(片中和片尾念到的Charles Bukowski诗作,觉得非常美。找出来分享。)
Either peace or happiness,let it enfold you
when I was a young manI felt these things weredumb, unsophisticated.I had bad blood, a twistedmind, a precariousupbringing.
I was hard as granite, Ileered at thesun.I trusted no man andespecially nowoman.
I was living a hell insmall rooms, I brokethings, smashed things,walked through glass,cursed.I challenged everything,was continually beingevicted, jailed, in andout of fights, in and outof my mind.women were somethingto screw and railat, I had no malefriends,
I changed jobs andcities, I hated holidays,babies, history,newspapers, museums,grandmothers,marriage, movies,spiders, garbagemen,english accents,spain,france,italy,walnuts andthe colororange.algebra angered me,opera sickened me,charlie chaplin was afakeand flowers were forpansies.
peace and happiness to mewere signs ofinferiority,tenants of the weakandaddledmind.
but as I went on withmy alley fights,my suicidal years,my passage throughany number ofwomen-it graduallybegan to occur tomethat I wasn't different
from theothers, I was the same,
they were all fulsomewith hatred,glossed over with pettygrievances,the men I fought inalleys had hearts of stone.everybody was nudging,inching, cheating forsome insignificantadvantage,the lie was theweapon and theplot wasempty,darkness was thedictator.
cautiously, I allowedmyself to feel goodat times.I found moments ofpeace in cheaproomsjust staring at theknobs of somedresseror listening to therain in thedark.the less I neededthe better Ifelt.
maybe the other life had worn medown.I no longer foundglamourin topping somebodyin conversation.or in mounting thebody of some poordrunken femalewhose life hadslipped away intosorrow.
I could never acceptlife as it was,i could never gobbledown all itspoisonsbut there were parts,tenuous magic partsopen for theasking.
I re formulatedI don't know when,date, time, allthatbut the changeoccurred.something in merelaxed, smoothedout.i no longer had toprove that I was aman,
I didn't have to proveanything.
I began to see things:coffee cups lined upbehind a counter in acafe.or a dog walking alonga sidewalk.or the way the mouseon my dresser topstopped therewith its body,its ears,its nose,it was fixed,a bit of lifecaught within itselfand its eyes lookedat meand they werebeautiful.then- it wasgone.
I began to feel good,I began to feel goodin the worst situationsand there were plentyof those.like say, the bossbehind his desk,he is going to haveto fire me.
I've missed too manydays.he is dressed in asuit, necktie, glasses,he says, 'I am goingto have to let you go'
'it's all right' I tellhim.
He must do what hemust do, he has awife, a house, children,expenses, most probablya girlfriend.
I am sorry for himhe is caught.
I walk onto the blazingsunshine.the whole day isminetemporarily,anyhow.
(the whole world is at thethroat of the world,everybody feels angry,short-changed, cheated,everybody is despondent,disillusioned)
I welcomed shots ofpeace, tattered shards ofhappiness.
I embraced that stufflike the hottest number,like high heels, breasts,singing,theworks.
(don't get me wrong,there is such a thing as cockeyed optimismthat overlooks allbasic problems just forthe sake ofitself-this is a shield and asickness.)
The knife got near mythroat again,I almost turned on thegasagainbut when the goodmoments arrivedagainI didn't fight them offlike an alleyadversary.I let them take me,I luxuriated in them,I made them welcomehome.I even looked intothe mirroronce having thoughtmyself to beugly,I now liked whatI saw, almosthandsome, yes,a bit ripped andragged,scares, lumps,odd turns,but all in all,not too bad,almost handsome,better at least thansome of those moviestar faceslike the cheeks ofa baby'sbutt.
and finally I discoveredreal feelings ofothers,unheralded,like lately,like this morning,as I was leaving,for the track,i saw my wife in bed,just theshape ofher head there(not forgettingcenturies of the livingand the dead andthe dying,the pyramids,Mozart deadbut his music stillthere in theroom, weeds growing,the earth turning,the tote board waiting forme)I saw the shape of mywife's head,she so still,I ached for her life,just being thereunder thecovers.
I kissed her in theforehead,got down the stairway,got outside,got into my marvelouscar,fixed the seatbelt,backed out thedrive.feeling warm tothe fingertips,down to myfoot on the gaspedal,I entered the worldoncemore,drove down thehillpast the housesfull and emptyofpeople,I saw the mailman,honked,he wavedbackat me.